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Friday, October 11, 2013

Classic: You're Too Fat!! [Bart]

You're Too Fat!!

Bart: Mix

My name is Bart. Some people say I have a serious weight problem. I don't think I do. I don't care, I still like to eat. I have never turned any food down. My mother took my sister, a chinese Shar Pei, and I to Mohans, TX one day. At Mohans they have these great sand dunes. It's nothing but sand and large hills and lots of kids to play with!!!When I got to the sand dunes I immediately spotted a whole bunch of kids and headed up the hills. My mom couldn't see me. It was great these kids had tabaggins (sleds) and they were sledding down the hills, just like snow!!!
I saw three kids lining up in a row to sit down on their sled. One, two, three sat down in a row, now it is my turn. I sat down like the fourth kid, right on the sled.
The kids thought this was okay and headed down the first hill. Everything was okay and boy was this fun!!! All of a sudden the sled slowed down and then stopped. The kids were trying to help the sled along but it wouldn't go anywhere. All of a sudden they started yelling at me.
"Get Off...Your too fat!"
My feelings were hurt and I didn't play with them anymore. I don't believe i'm to fat and I have continued to eat like a little pig ever since.


Date: 26-Feb-97Age: 1Sex: male
Home: unknownDamage: $0.00Human: Amy Meredith

Comment: Don't sweat it Bart, my parent say I am fat every once in a while. I am just husky.Emily

Classic: Just Call Me the Intimidator [Bart]

Just Call Me the Intimidator

Bart: Mix

Hi BDC, yes it's me Bart again. Bet you guys aren't surprised to hear from me again so soon. Including my shoe story and puppy tossing story this will be my 3rd in 2 weeks. No wonder Mommy says I'm bad to the bone.This story involves Grandma, if you read my "Fly Away Shoe" story then you would know she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. She's a sweetheart, don't get me wrong, but totally not dog savvy. Anyway, Mom and Grandma went out to dinner and when they came back me and Spike were ready to play! We jumped and pounced and pushed Grandma down so we can lick her face. As usual she screamed and hollered to let us know how much she loved us. After half an hour Mom thought we settled down enough to leave us alone with Grandma so she can go take a shower. She should've known better. Just as she was stepping out of the tub she heard some thumping, my barking and a door slammed. She put her clothes on and open the bathroom door, just to find me and Spike sitting outside with our tail wagging and big smiles on our faces. "What did you do with Grandma?" Mom asked. Then she saw Grandma cracked the bedroom door opened peeking out. "Can I come out now? That big dog of yours chased me up here and won't let me out!" Mommy fell on the floor laughing. I thought Grandma wanted to play peek-a-boo so I jump and swung the bedroom door open and knocked her down again. Me and Spike gave Grandma quite a tongue bath. She must've been impressed by how great our breathes were, as she was leaving she was muttering "Damn dogs, got tongues like sandpaper and breaths like rotten fish."


Date: 03-Sep-99Age: 0Sex: male
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $0.00Human: Cindy

Comment:And Grandma wasn't happy with your enthusiasm? Humph! Humans, Go figure. Andrew.

Classic: Me and My Big Teeth and Paws [Bart]

Me and My Big Teeth and Paws

Bart: Mix

Hi BDC,I knew it wouldn't be long before I have another article to submit. First I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words for Griffin, the golden that passed away. I never met him, he lives with Mike's parents, but I hear he was a great boy and is missed very much by grandma and grandpa.
I've been growing like a weed, I went through 40 lbs of food in one week. Mike loves it, he likes macho dogs like me. But he's not the one taking care of me, Mommy is. You see since I'm part Rott I inherited the laziness gene. I would go up to the huge water bowl and lie down in front of it. Then I would use my paws to pull the bowl under my chin so I can rest my head on the rim and drink at the same time. Since I still don't have complete control of my huge paws I always knock the bowl over instead. But that doesn't stop me, I just lie on the wet floor drinking what is left inside the bowl. Then I get up and rub against Mommy with my wet body because I love her so. For some reason Mommy always get mad at me, all I did was drink from the water bowl.
Another thing I did was chewed up Daddy's favorite chair. It's his fault really, he knew I'm getting my grown up teeth so my gums are itching. He went upstair to take a shower and left me and Spike downstairs playing. Spike got tired of me drooling on her so she got up on the sofa and chewed her bone. My gums started itching again so I tried to sooth it on the arm of Daddy's favorite chair. It worked! My gums felt much better but wait, what's this I taste? The wood tasted really good, so I thought a little chewing won't hurt. What harm could possibly come to that? But before I knew it I left some pretty scratches on it and I was going to finish my job except I heard Daddy come down the stairs. So I laid down and did my "I felt off a building" look. It wasn't until a week later that Mommy saw the damage, and she automatically accused me. How unfair! Why do I always get blame? I'm not the only dog around with teeth. So what if I'm teething? Spike could do it.


Date: 02-Jun-99Age: 0Sex: male
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $500.00Human: Cindy

Comment:Sorry, but is very common for humans to blame the puppy. Afterall, they have a concept of doggie teething. you can look at other stories here on BDC on what to chew next...Come on guys give this pup some new ideas! Hey, Guinness where have you been lately? Don't tell us you've gone soft!...Andrew.

Classic: Mommy Got Engaged [Spike]

Mommy Got Engaged (and I was the ring bearer:-)


Mommy and Chris got engaged on Monday night, and I was part of the proposal:-)Mommy was on the phone talking to her cousin in China. She was having a bad day and an even worse one as she is discussing her cousin's divorce case, it's not looking good. Chris took me out for a nice long walk through the woods, and when we came back, he put a big red ribbon around my neck.
When we came in, Chris told Mommy to get off the phone asap. Mommy thinking I got sick or injured on the walk immediately got off the phone. I was thirsty and hungry so I went straight to my food bowls. Chris kneeled down on the floor and called me to him, I came but went back to the food bowl immediately. I did that several times until I had enough water and food, then I came to them and burped in their face. Chris told Mommy that a little girl thought I was cute so she put it on me. Mommy fussed over how cute I am as I lean forward and stretch. After a few seconds (they call it 15 minutes, humans can't count time) Mommy took the ribbon off. That's when she noticed the ring tied to the ribbon. That's when Chris asked Mommy to marry him. And ofcourse she said yes and I went off and ate the rest of my food.
When I was done, and Mommy and Chris still kissing, I stuck my head in between them, burped again, and wiped my mouth on them. They both laughed and pet me. I am the cutest thing on earth and I can get away with anything.
The ring is beautiful, too bad Mommy has it on her hand all the time so I won't be able to do my jewelry disappearing trick to it. But it does come in a very pretty cherry wood box and Mommy does let the box sit around...


Date: 01-Jul-04Age: 6Sex: female
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $0.00Human: Cindy

Comment:AAAAWWWWWW!!!!!! How sweet! I love your special touch of the burping at them! Perfect! Lady Ashley.

Classic: Mommy Got Married [Spike]

Mommy Got Married

Spike: Mix

Hi Bad Dog Gang,Long time no chat. It's been a busy year for us. First of all, I got cancer, on my ear flap to be exact. So the evil vet man cut a hole in my ear to remove the lump, I am completely healed now, just a little odd looking. Mommy is very happy that she gets to keep me around. Yeah right, like I would leave her. I got her train well finally, I don't intend to let my hard work go to waste. I want to milk it for at least a few more years. I am still getting new lumps, but Mommy has been keeping a close eye on all new lumps and the evil vet man is running lab tests on every one of them to make sure they are not cancerous.
Well Mommy finally got her head together and managed to get married on May 21st. Chris is now officially my daddy. He is thrilled that he has legal custody of me:-) They got married in Las Vegas (they were originally supposed to get married in Venice, Italy but the plans got changed at the last minute). It was a beautiful wedding. They then honeymooned in Italy for 2 weeks. Unfortunately I couldn't be part of the wedding ceremony because the grounds would not permit animals. Also Mommy is paranoid about me flying (she heard too many horror stories about pet air travel). But it was a lovely wedding and a great honeymoon. Now that they are back, I am making them feel guilty about leaving me at the vet (how horrible could it be! not only am I kenneled, I'm kenneled at the vet!).
Unfortunately, other than the occasional trash can destruction and poopie on th floor, I hadn't been doing anything really bad lately. I guess I should get my act together and do something that's worth writing about. Hugs and kisses to all you bad dogs out there.


Date: 12-Jun-06Age: 7Sex: female
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $0.00Human: Cindy

Comment:Keep us informed about that nasty cancer monster. We are so glad your mom finally got married. Congrats!!! But poor you being kenneled of all places at the vet! Emily.

Classic: Mommy Got Nipped [Bart]

Mommy Got Nipped

Bart: Mix

Hi all,Long time no write. It's Bart the wondermutt here in Gaithersburg, Md. A lot has changed since we last wrote. Mommy and Daddy have now broken up, and Daddy is no where in sight anymore. He refuse to take responsibility for us dogs, apparently us mutts cramp his dating life. Not that he ever cared for us anyway, Mommy is the one who took care of our daily needs. She is queen and I'll beat up all those who disagree. We do wish she spends more time at home, she's got a new job working as an auditor and she travels a lot. Not to mention she does kickboxing, karate, and Brazilian Jujitsu (wrestling for short), that doesn't leave much time for her to spend with us mutts. But Mommy said if she doesn't do all those contact sports she would go crazy. It's actually therapy for her after Daddy turned out to be such a jerk.
Anyway, Mommy's friend Jesse came over to pick her up for a night out and since we never met Jesse before Bart decided to nipped Mommy on the thigh to warn her of letting strangers in the house. He left a pretty good bruise on her thigh, and he got a bop on the noggins for doing it. He still didn't learn and tried the nip her hand that's opening the door. She's not ready have company yet and it's our duty (no our right) to drive away any possible intruders!
To all with love,
Bart, Spike, and Jamie (the original bad dogs of Gaithersburg)


Date: 20-Jul-01Age: 2Sex: female
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $0.00Human: Cindy

Comment:Not only that but sometimes they don't have a good judge of character. We have a far superior judgement of that sort of thing, mom should follow your instincts not hers. Maggie.

Classic: Mud, Mud, MUD!!! [Bart]

Mud, Mud, MUD!!!

Bart: Mix

Hi BDC, it’s me Bart again, now weighing 80 lbs. and not an ounce of fat. I have a great story to brag to you guys. You see it’s been raining constantly over here in Md. so the back yard is all nice and muddy. Ahhh, mud, just the thought of it makes me drool. I don’t understand why humans never appreciate it like us dogs do. Don’t they know how much fun it is to roll around in it? Anyway, back to my story. Spike and me had been trapped inside the house forever, humans call it 5 hours but it seems like an eternity. When Cindy let us go outside to do our business I took advantage of it and stomped around in the deep holes Spike created. But that didn’t satisfy my mudding needs, hey a boy got to have his fun somehow right? So I started to roll around in the mud and before I knew it I was covered in it. But it felt so good; hey don’t humans have the same thing done to their bodies? Why pay so much in the spa when you can have it for free in your very own back yard. Cindy saw it and was fuming; I don’t know what the big deal is. Well, Spike joined in too and by the time we were done there were mud everywhere. By then I got thirsty and wanted to go in for a drink, so I started to throw my huge body against the patio door. I think I might have cracked it just a little, who cares, Cindy was going to replace it anyway. Soon the whole house was covered with muddy paw prints and just body prints. Spike just sat there looking at me like I’m stupid. She just doesn’t realize how much fun this is. When I saw Cindy show up with the garden hose I went nuts, she must wants to play tug of war. That will just make my day! But no such luck, she started spraying both of us with water, I tried to fight back by knocking her down a couple of times. She hosed Spike off first and got her in, can you believe she tied me to the door of the shed? Well I wasn’t going to have that so I ripped the door out while she was inside drying Spike off. But my turn came and she hosed me off too. She dragged me inside the house and dried me off with a bunch of towels, she didn’t even had the decency to blow dry me, that’s abuse right there! She put me in my crate and went outside to hose off all the mud on the house. I was stuck having to watch all those pools of mud go to waste. But I did get back at her, the whole house smelled like wet dog for a week. Which is fine by me, I like being the one spreading that wonderful aroma. I should charge the humans for my aroma therapy.

Date: 24-Jun-99Age: 0Sex: male
Home: Maryland, United States (USA)Damage: $250.00Human: Cindy

Comment:You sound like you had a great time! Humans dont often understand simply delightful it can be to romp and play in mud puddles. Well, sometimes the younger ones do ;)...Maggie